My Mom's (Ex) Best Friend's Husband

 

Dirty Grandpa.

 

Every day that I wake up I have that sinking feeling during parts of the day, a memory, scent, sight, sound, etc. awakens things of my childhood. We recently had to have our roof repaired. When the ceiling finally started drying out from all the rain, there was a musky odor. It smelled like snuff and a wet basement. It instantly sent me back to being in my great granddad’s house. I was around 5, maybe 6 years old. He had me laying on the bed, trying to have sex with me. I was screaming because of the burning pain. When I think of it, I can still feel the pain. My sister was just shy of 3 years younger than I was. I don't know why my great granddad had me and my sister, and I don’t know that he attempted anything with her. She was too young to remember, and my memories are only of what he did to me. She was standing just outside the bedroom door. She was squalling because I was crying in pain, and she knew he was hurting me. She was so young, but even then, you know when someone is doing something wrong. Neither of us knew what was happening. I just know that with all the pain I was hoping he would stop. I don’t know that I completely lost my innocence that day, but it’s forever seared into my memory just because of the sheer pain of it. Throughout the rest of his life there would be situations where he would be at my grandparents. He would take me to the side of the house where no one could see, and he’d lift me up. I was probably 5 or 6 at this time as well, but he would pull my shorts to the side and then I’d feel that burning pain again. Trying to break free of his hand. His fingers. “That burns!” As I cry he’s trying to shoosh me. He tells me once he stretches me it’ll feel better. Once he realizes I’m not going to stop crying, he gives up and tells me if I tell anyone, I’ll get in trouble. Ok. I’m a kid. I don’t want to get in trouble, so I keep his secret…for a while. Turns out he probably did assault, or attempt to assault merely every female in his family that wasn’t a daughter, but everyone else was fair game. He was a sick, sick man. Apparently, he got saved on his death bed. I sure hope so because his sins far exceed anyone, except for my next attacker.

 

Mom’s (Ex) Best Friends Husband

 

There were SO MANY different occurrences that I don’t know when the first time was that he touched me. He mostly made me do things to him. I grew up riding dirt bikes. My parents had them, their friends had them, and us kids shared a few different bikes that fit our size. It had to be early on in all of the assaults, but this particular day is very clear in my mind. There was a building at my mom’s best friends husband’s house, that they kept their dirt bikes in. Me and the other kids were going to ride, and I needed to run to the building to get the helmet. I did my best to make sure I was never alone, but on this day, I was in a rush to get that helmet and get back to my friends to ride. I run in and the door closes behind me, but I’m not alone. He asks where I’m going. “I’m going to ride. I needed a helmet.” He stands there like stone, not moving, and no intention of doing so. He pulls his…he pulls IT out and puts it in my face. This wasn’t my first rodeo with him, so I knew he wanted me to put my mouth on IT. “Don’t tell anyone. They’ll get mad at you.” I did a good job over the years avoiding him, but the same story every time he would catch me alone... I would be the one to get into trouble. I’m not sure at what age, but my Dad lived in Virginia and me and my sister were visiting him and his girlfriend Kathy. She used to buy us all kinds of movies and books. She bought this book, ‘No No, The Seal’. That’s when it came to light that the things I had experienced with my great grandad and my mom’s best friend’s husband were WRONG! I realized I should’ve been telling. So, the next time it happened, I told. Mom’s best friend’s husband tried at getting me to suck…IT. I stayed the night with them, with his daughter, who was one of my best childhood friends. I didn’t have many of those. I was sort of socially awkward, so they were few and far between. I woke up to him standing on the side of the bed I was facing. He pulled IT out and it was in my face. I acted like I was just totally sleeping and rolled over to the other side. He then came to that side of the bed and puts it in my face. I turned again, and he would come to the side I was facing. He finally gave up, but the next day I told. I told my mom and his wife what he was doing. I’m not sure how much time there was between me telling and him cornering me in the back hallway of their home, but he told me that my mom and his wife wouldn’t be friends anymore and I wouldn’t be able to be friends with his kids because we all wouldn’t hang out anymore. He told me that I needed to tell them I lied. I was a CHILD. The only solid friendships I had were about to be over. I didn’t have many friends to lose. If I had to say that I lied so that I could keep my friends and my mom wouldn’t lose hers, I’d do it, and I did, and so it continued for a while. I eventually told again, but they didn’t believe me because I said lied. I told again and was asked to show with my hands how big IT was. Again, I was a child so I’m pretty sure IT looked larger than it was. I probably gave him way too much credit. No one believed me when I told so I just did all that I could to stay away from him and be aware of where he was, always, so that I could avoid him. I tried to never be alone, and when he would catch me alone, I stopped telling. I was so happy when I got my license. I didn’t have to be with my parents all the time. I made new friends and tried my best to avoid church because he was there. When I was 17, I just happened to be home one weekend. I was usually gone out with friends, so I was rarely home, but this day I didn’t have plans and decided to put on my bikini, in my home, and go swimming. As I got out of the pool, he and his wife were pulling in the driveway. I did my best to dry quickly and get in the house. As I hurried down the steps of the deck he came walking around the house. He states, “You look good in that bikini”. I’m not sure why, but it creeped me out worse than all the times he put IT in my face. The way he said it. It was like a growl. It disgusted me. I ran in the house and hid in my room until he and his wife left. When I came out my mom told me she had been calling my name. “I know.”

“Then why didn’t you come?”

 

“He was here. He creeped me out. He told me how good I looked in my bikini…”.

 

Fast forward a few days…

 

My mom had her other best friend over and she tells me that she promised herself when I turned 17, she was going to ask me about all the times that I told on my mom’s best friend’s husband and what my great granddad did. She said she wanted her other best friend there to witness what I said. I was able to describe, verbatim, everything I’d ever told. Nothing ever changed. The events of my life didn’t change. Not one word. She told me she believed me. For the first time someone heard me and listened. I’m not sure really what happened after that because I never had to see my mom’s best friends’ husband again, and my great granddad died when I was about 12. HE couldn’t hurt anyone else, but over the years I began to obsess over the fact that there may be other girls that were victims of my mom’s best friend’s husband. I often wondered if he made anyone else suck IT and told them not to tell. I had been plagued with nightmares of my mom’s best friend’s husband and the things he would do. I was also plagued with nightmares of the things my great grandad did, but maybe they weren’t as bad because he was gone. I was constantly hyperaware that my mom’s best friend’s husband could be hurting someone else. Aware that other people, other KIDS, could be experiencing what I experienced. There was nothing I could do to protect anyone. No one believed me then. Why would they believe me now? But wait, my mom does believe me now. I had that. Or so I thought. My mom had a stroke not long after she asked me about what I went through. Please don’t judge my mom. She stopped hanging out with her best friend after I told her. I’m not sure what she and my stepdad did or said to him and his wife, but they no longer hung out. I think my mom was afraid of losing her friend when I was a child…just as I was afraid I would lose mine if I didn’t say I lied. As I got older, I realized the importance of friendship. When you lose someone so close to you, a friendship, you grieve, almost like you grieve a death of someone you love. Maybe it wasn’t right, and if the shoe were on the other foot, and it were my kid coming to me, I’d go to jail. No questions asked. No “show me with your hands how big it is”. Anyone that assaulted my child would be no more. Plain and simple.

 

As I said, my mom had a stroke, so she forgot about our conversation when I was 17. There was a huge rift between me and my mom for a while. She even accused me of lying about ALL OF IT. I. HIT. HER. A mistake that I haven’t let myself live down. I started having the same nightmares over and over. Mostly of my mom’s now ex best friend’s husband. I started having mental breakdowns. Self-medicating and vodka became my crutch. I wanted to die. I wanted the dreams to stop. Why does it hurt so much more now than when it was happening? Maybe because I was reliving it nearly every night. I was waking my husband up crying in my sleep, grinding my teeth so bad that I couldn’t chew at times, screaming myself awake. The nightmares had consumed me so much. I took a bunch of klonopin and slept for almost 24 hours. I didn’t even realize my mom had gone to the store and completely stocked my fridge and cabinets while I was passed out, praying not to wake up from my klonopin coma. Again, please do not judge my mom because the good outweighed the bad with her. I don’t think she knew how to handle the whole situation, and she had had a stroke since and I don’t blame her. I blame him. I blame his wife for not knowing, or suspecting anything, or just downright ignoring the fact that her husband is a pedophile.

I know I'm all over the place with this. I just hope that somehow my experience will help someone, somehow. I could go into the details of every single occurrence, but that wouldn’t be comfortable for anyone, especially me.

I. HIT. MY. MOM.

She accused me of lying. I still don’t know if it was the heat of the moment that she said it, but how could someone tell me at 17, “I believe you. Your story has never changed” to “You’re a damn liar”. I just seen red. It was an automatic reaction that I regret. I’ve always been a firm believer that you should not hit your mother. I wasn’t in the right frame of mind. After my mom came over and stocked my fridge and cabinets, I hit her. I still feel like no matter what, there was no excuse for hitting my mom. Oh, and she hit me back. She went outside, came back in and said, “I have one more thing to say to you” and when I said what, she sucker punched the hell outta me. I deserved it because no matter what, I should never have hit my mom.

That was in 2011. Fast forward to 2015, again. Another mental break. I blasted my mom’s ex best friend’s husband on social media…my mom’s ex best friend, too. I warned her. I told her all I wanted was for her husband to admit to her, my mom, and ME what he did. What he made ME do. She kept going back to where I said, “I LIED”. I sure did. I lied, when I said I lied. I lied because I didn’t want to lose my childhood friends. I lied because I didn’t want my mom to lose her friend because that meant losing mine. Call it good or bad, but someone did come forward after I blasted them. Part of me was happy that someone else knows that I’m telling the truth, but sad that he attempted to do things to her, too. I have spoken to her a few times since 2015. My husband decided last year that he thought we should go after my mom’s ex best friend’s husband because he felt like that’s what I needed to finally get past all of this. Don’t think for one minute I want a dime from him or his wife. I just want, at some point, that it be on record that he is a pedophile. We even spoke to the other lady he attempted to assault, and she was on board with giving a statement about what he did to her. You see, he told her not to tell, but she told a neighbor who then told her dad. She was 12 and younger when he would do things. Her dad threatened his life and told him he would tell my mom’s ex best friend if he ever tried it again. He never did so it stopped before it could get started good. I’m so happy that she told, and someone put a stop to it before he got to her the way he did me. If there is a victim #1 and victim #2, then more than likely there are more, as I always feared. There are probably more girls, women now, that he has made attempts with. I asked my husband a few months ago why he stopped pursuing the idea of taking my mom’s ex best friend’s husband to court and he said that my nightmares had gotten worse since we started talking about it and he felt it was because of that so he decided to stop pushing the idea. I want to tell my story. If you want to know or read more I will share. I have left out names because I hope that in not saying them, I can weaken their power over me. They are nothing but mere titles to me.

#AdultSurvivorofChildhoodSexualAssault #childhoodtrauma #ptsd #bipolardisorder

No more social networking

I have been Facebook free for a month now and I have to say, it is GREAT! I am nowhere near as stressed and since my husband and I have decided to work on our marriage, we both decided Facebook is a BIG problem. It's amazing the free time I have now that I don't consume it with social networking. With that said, I'm done blogging and getting back to what is important...Family, Life, and Love. 

God give me the strength

“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”  

There are so many that would absolutely love to see me fall flat on my face but I'm here to prove to GOD, not anyone else that I am strong and can get through anything...because of him. In the end, he is the only one that I will answer to for mistakes I've made and it is him that has wiped my slate clean because only he can. I don't need anyone else approval or forgiveness.

Memories Past

I woke up this morning and the first thing that came to mind was a memory of my childhood. For the first time in a long time it was actually a pleasant one. That's how I know God is working in my life because day by day, the bad memories aren't so overwhelming though they will never completely leave me. Something so traumatic isn't just washed away but God can help ease the pain. Back to my memory though...As soon as my eyes opened I thought of grapefruit. When I thought of grapefruit it reminded me of the Saturday and Sunday mornings that my MawMaw and Papa Carswell use to keep us while my Mom and Step Dad were working 12 hours shifts. Then all of these other happy memories came flooding back. MawMaw using the powdered chocolate Yoohoo and I just loved the little powder chunks that floated to the top of the milk because it didn't dissolve. I remember my Papa made the BEST scrambled eggs and MawMaw always kept chocolate Raisinets that I would sneak into the kitchen to get. Every weekend my sister and I would go to their house, which was next door, and turn on the Saturday cartoons and fall asleep on the floor. Some mornings MawMaw would let us sleep. Others she would argue that it was a beautiful day and we needed to get outside and play. She would then lock the screen door so that we wouldn't run in and out. There is a train that runs behind their house and at that time you could see it coming. That was before they planted all the trees to hide Vickers Junkyard behind their house. When the train would come, I always covered my eyes because I was terrified it was gonna "get me" LOL. I would run to the swing set, lay face down on the slide, and cover my ears till it was gone. I was about 6 or 7 so I thought it was a huge monster. Then I remembered every Saturday MawMaw had to go to Hamricks because she would not wear the same blouse and skirt to church on Sunday. My sister and I would run and hide under the clothing racks and wonder the store. Back then you could do that and not worry about someone carting you out of the store and ending up all over the news as an abducted child. Occasionally MawMaw and Papa would get us something like shoes or a shirt. On Sundays, I remember the smell of MawMaw's Cherry Almond Jergens lotion and she would walk around in her panty hose and slip trying to get everyone ready for church. Once at church, we always had saltine or graham crackers as a snack in Sunday school. Then we went to preaching and MawMaw always gave us a stick of spearmint gum. We were forbidden to make even the slightest peep or we knew MawMaw would hold to her promise of a good hickory whipping.

                                                     MawMaw and me on my wedding Day

                                         Papa about 8 weeks before he passed away.

       My Papa walked me down the aisle on my wedding day. One of the happiest days of my life. :)

I use to keep a nice little tan when I was a child because during the Summer. I was always outside after school. MawMaw always kept us till Mama got off of work. My sister, Amanda and myself would make mud pies and mud spaghetti. We would use walnuts as the meatballs. On certain days when I would get in trouble, there was an apple tree in the backyard that I would climb in hopes that my Papa or MawMaw would forget I did something wrong and I wouldn't get the hickory. It never worked though. As soon as I thought I was in the clear, I would around the house and one of them would be waiting for me. Now some would say that isn't a pleasant memory, but to me I would give anything to do it all over again just to see my Papa. He passed away on 7/22/05 and I miss him very much but as much as I miss him, I am happy that he is no longer here to suffer. I know for a fact that he is with our heavenly father because he was a very devoted Christian. I can't wait to see him again in heaven someday. I have so many more memories but if I continue, this will be a novel rather than a blog. I hope you enjoy the memories as much as I enjoyed making them and remembering them. Though I had some pretty traumatic things happen as a child, I have plenty more that make me happy to think about. To be honest, when I started my trip down memory lane this morning, I was afraid of where it would take me but the entire time, my thoughts were nothing but pure and I have God to think for that. I believe in someways, I am beginning to train myself to direct my thoughts to something else when the bad starts to enter my mind. It makes it much easier to get through a day without trying to 'shake it out' of my head. With God, all things are possible. For anyone that didn't think that I had God and gave it to God when I had my breakdown, you don't know that. I've said it before and I still believe that God had me go through it for a reason. To finally deal with my pain and react to my pain and bring me closer to him. I am far from a perfect devoted Christian but everyone falls short and is also far from perfect. I can only hope to be as close to God as my Papa. The day before he passed was the most alert he had been and he was yelling "AMEN!" as my cousin read verses from the Bible. My Papa was ready to go because he knew where he was going. So even up till the hour of his death, I have the greatest memories of him and his dedication and love for Christ.

The ugly truth about CNAs

I have been a CNA (certified nursing assistant) since 2006. I was taught at Isothermal Community College in Polk County NC. My instructor, like all CNA instructors, taught by a very strict state guideline and if you wanted to pass your final, you followed those guidelines. They are guidelines I believe need to be honored if you are going to care for someones loved one. I know it's the ones I would expect to be used if caring for my Mom or Dad, Grandparents, or other family member I love.The cold hard truth is it's a whole different ballgame when you actually start working as one. Everything you learned to be certified goes right out the window. After working in several care facilities, I have come to realize that no one should ever put a loved one in a nursing home...PERIOD! Why you ask? They DO NOT get the care that you are paying for and expect. Plain and simple. How many times a week do you take a shower? I know I take one everyday, sometimes twice a day. Not in any resident care facility. Twice a week is all they get and sometimes not even that. If they are short staffed, maybe one day and can you imagine if they're short staffed on both days that your loved one is supposed to be showered? They're stinking pretty bad because I don't care that they require you give a bed bath everyday, it's just not the same. Oh, and bed baths, well, that's half assed too if they're short. It's face, pits, and private areas only, throw clothes on, comb hair, and throw them in a wheelchair or whatever they sit in. The majority of the time, mouth care is the furthest from grooming in any minds there. Why? Because the nurses that don't feel like it is in their job title to help where it's needed, want those residents out of bed by 11 a.m. Psht! Get your ass up and try it! Get 11 people bathed/showered, clothed, groomed, and up by 11 a.m.? Ha! All the while you have call bells going off, people trying to get up by themselves that shouldn't, feed meals to those that can't feed themselves, and other speed bumps along the way. To beat it all though is they expect this out of people that have had only a few days of training, are not familiar with the residents and their needs, and more than likely DO NOT know how to use the lifts that are required to be used on certain residents because they are total lift (meaning they cannot physically do anything and are dead weight so it takes a lift to get them up). I worked in an assisted living facility for 3 years and in my opinion, if it is possible for your loved one to go into assisted living, not a nursing home with an "assisted" wing, then try your best to put them there. I will never work in a nursing home again as long as I live. I have only met a few LPN/RNs that actually don't act like they're so above you that they can't get in there and get their hands dirty (I commend those that have and truly appreciate them, though they are few and far between). Most are too busy barking about what you haven't done than understanding that the CNA just spent an hour busting their butt to get what they just did, done. That after they cleaned up the resident they're working with, that same resident messed again and ruined the fresh clothes you just put on them, or they urinated or shit on the floor. No, we don't get mad because it's our job but when you have the highers up coming behind you grilling you and making you feel worthless because you "haven't" got something done, it makes you angry. Not at the resident but the nerve an RN/LPN has when they don't know or see firsthand the turmoil you've been through. Can a CNA get up 11 or more residents by 11 a.m. daily? Sure...as long as you don't care that your loved one isn't getting the care they need. Honestly, if it were my family member and I knew what I know, I would sue the pants off of every care facility I've worked in because I know the level of care they're getting, and it's not what they should! As for the one assisted living community that I worked for, I have no negative things to say about the level of care they provided to the residents there. I hold the highest regards to the staff there for the service they give to those sweet elderly people. I guess that's why I lasted there as long as I did before I left to pursue photography. If not for doctor's orders to resign from being a CNA, I don't know how much longer I would have lasted at my last job. I cannot fathom those helpless people not getting the care they are entitled to. I did not become a CNA to do a half ass job and to have any less expected of me is an insult to my certification and knowledge! I honestly do not know how half of these homes pass their state evaluation. I guess once a year isn't too much to ask that a CNA does the job right...After that, it's business as usual. I'm sorry to anyone that this offends but one thing I try to be is honest and this is me being me. It's my opinion...Like it or not, it's the hard truth about how CNAs are under appreciated and paid way less than they should be. CNAs are the hub of any home and should be honored and paid more than anyone in nursing! Especially if they're going to be treated like they can be replaced so easily. If a CNA is okay with halfway doing their job, then their heart is not in the right place. All they care about is a paycheck or making the nurses happy. I choose to be one that cares enough to do it right...therefore I just assume not be one at all if I can't care for a person the way they deserve to be cared for. Simple as that.

Pranks=Love :)

Last night I was laying in bed and I was laughing a LOT. Chris I'm sure thought that it was because of  'Married with Children' but it wasn't. I had just come up with another prank. Unfortunately I fell asleep before following through with it. Chris and I, over the past several months, have been pranking each other. My favorite prank...While he's in the shower, I flip on the cold water real quick and he screams like a girl. I did that to him twice. He payed me back though. A few days later he threw a whole cup of cold water on me while I was in the tub. Not all at one time either. He did it in increments. I was laughing and screaming at the same time. The other day Chris came home from work and he had a smiley face sharpied on his leg by a customer he delivers to. This gave me an idea. Now, I won't be using a sharpie because the place I'm thinking of drawing is on his face...If anyone has ever heard me talk about Chris sleeping, you know that he will not even know that I touched his face. Just the thought of him waking up and looking in the mirror to my 'artwork' on his face had me about to laugh so hard I could have pee'd myself last night. Chris is a very hard sleeper. We bought him a new alarm clock because he NEVER heard the other and poor pitiful me...well, I heard it EVERY time. I was ready to kill him lol. He always laughs when I talk about the alarm clock and how many times he cuts it off. He is already snoring again before his hand even hits the snooze button (if he even stopped snoring). Then he always wonders how his cellphone ended up under his pillow or under the bed. Well, because he would pick it up and put it there. Sometimes he would push it so far under his pillow that it would fall down behind the bed. He doesn't remember doing any of it so it's really funny to tell the story just to hear his laughter and denial. Anyways...I just wanted to share because some relationships don't have the laughter and fun that Chris and I have. We have our days just like every marriage does, but at the end of each day we still love each other and that's what matters. We keep it alive by playing practical jokes. It makes it fun. I hope I have inspired some of you ladies to do the same. Since Chris and I have started pranking each other, we laugh a lot more (not only at each other). LOL. I hope everyone has a nice day and if you're looking for something to bring the laughter back to your relationship, try it. :-)